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I was born as a Hindu and raised in a big city in India. My father made sure that I had a good education. I was the first daughter after six generations, so my dad had always treated me special. My dad kept us away from cultural traditions, and I never learned the religious culture.
When growing up in India, I had Muslim friends, Christian friends and Hindu friends. I believed that these religions had the same God but just used different names for Him. In addition, Hindus have a million idols. In my parents’ house and in my brother’s home, there are at least ten different idols. I, too, was an idol worshiper. I was very devoted to a god who was an idol. I was very pleased with the idol I worshipped.
I was married into a Hindu family that lives in America. At first I worked in a hospital for four years, then I decided to help my husband’s business in his home office.
As soon as I left the hospital and stayed home, all kinds of darkness attacked me. At this time I began to be abused and accused, and I didn’t know why. A lot of bad emotional things were going on in my extended family. I tried my best to resolve the problems. I tried to find out what I was lacking and what I was doing wrong. I wanted to correct myself, to solve my marriage and family problems. Nothing worked out.
As my abuse and bondage deepened, I cried out for help, for relief, for truth. In my heart I didn’t feel any peace nor experience any answered prayer. I had been praying to an idol. Nothing was happening, so I closed that door. I told the idol, “You are dead for me, and I am dead for you. I have nothing to do with you anymore.”
In June 2007 I turned to God. I fasted and prayed for two weeks crying out to God. I closed myself in the bedroom and said, “God, I know you are there, but I don’t know who you are. If you’ll reveal yourself to me then I’ll give myself to you.” Nothing happened.
Our family went on vacation to Alaska. My heart continued to cry out to God. I felt unworthy. I was sure that He would not reveal Himself to me. I said, “God, if you do not reveal yourself to me, then I have no reason to live. If I have no reason to live, take my life.” Within five minutes of that cry, the tour guide took our whole busload of tourists to a chapel church. When I sat down inside I looked at the cross. I heard a voice say “I am the way; come to Me and I will give you rest.” I broke into tears. When we came out of church I stayed behind and wrote in the guest logbook, “Thank you, Lord.” For the first time I used the name “Lord” and I didn’t know who the Lord was. But now I had a peace in my heart: no more tears, no more wrong thoughts about killing myself, no more thoughts about what I’m going to do or trying to seek a way out of my situation.
After our Alaska vacation, I asked my kids’ piano teacher (who is a Christian) for a Bible. My kids had been taking piano lessons from her for six years. I didn’t share anything with her, but she immediately saw a change in me. She gave me a Bible. “Why don’t you start to read the New Testament?” she suggested. “The Old Testament is hard for you to understand.”
I came home and started to read. I was so hungry for the Word that I read the books of Matthew, Mark and Luke. I read that Jesus healed the sick and helped the poor. When I came to the Gospel of John, I read what Jesus said about the Holy Spirit: I will not leave you orphaned and I will send you my Comforter Who will guide you to the truth and light (John 14:18 and 16:7-13). I heard a voice reading these words to me. This was the same voice I heard in Alaska. I said, “Okay, I’m really going crazy here. I don’t think that the Word can talk.”
The next day I heard a preacher on the radio say, “Read the Revelation in the Bible.”
When I got to the part that talks about the Philadelphia church, that same voice spoke to me: “I know you have little strength, but hold on to what you have. I will come and write my name on it.”
I said “Okay, you are going to write your name on me. How is it going to happen?”
At first it was difficult for me to understand the Bible. As I read, the Word was going into my heart. The darkness in my heart was breaking up. I realized that I was demon possessed. As soon as I opened a Bible to read, my vision became blurry. I cried, “God, if you’re calling me, then I need help. I can’t see.” Then I could see. Then as I read, I would get stuck on one line or I wouldn’t understand.
I cried to the Lord, “Help me to understand.” He would lead me to turn on my radio or television. The preacher on the radio or television would preach the same Word that I read and help me to understand. My house became a Bible school. During this time I was so spiritually hungry, I was reading 10–12 hours a day.
As I started to understand what I was reading, suddenly I would see a black shadow standing right next to me. As long as I didn’t touch the Bible, it didn’t happen. As soon as I started to read the Bible or pray, the dark shadow would bother me. By then a lot of Christians were praying for me. One leader prayed over me with anointing. Some friends taught me to just keep my eyes on Jesus. “Don’t focus on anything else, and the darkness will go away,” they said, and it did.
Because of the hunger that God put in my heart, I finished the whole Bible in four-and-a-half months. During this time, He gave me the new name of Esther. When I read the book of Esther I realized it was just like my story. My experience of God’s tangible presence was so amazing. I saw His miracles and wonders.
During this time that I was reading 10-12 hours a day, I didn’t care about cooking. For a couple of months I didn’t go to the grocery store. I would go to the gas station to get milk. God showed me that my vegetables (we are vegetarian) were not going bad. The refrigerator was not going empty. The flour jar was not emptying and the level of oil in the jar was not going down.
My best friend gave me the book Forty Days of Purpose by Rick Warren. In one chapter I read about salvation. This word touched my heart. God had been proving to me that He’s the true God. He’s the only one who was working to get me out of my abusive situation. At the same time He was embracing me through His followers that He put in my life. They were standing beside me, supporting me and caring for my children.
Alone in my house, I raised my hands and I cried, “Okay, Lord, I believe in you, and I accept you. You come into my life and save me.” I didn’t understand what the cross was or why He would die for me or what His blood was about. All I knew was “Jesus, you are the true God. I believe that you are. I want to know you.” I accepted Christ in July 2007, but I didn’t make Him Lord until October 2007. It took me three months because I still had big questions.
When I came to Christ, I was not sure that He was the one true God. I was questioning: out of a million gods, was He the one in whom I should believe? When He came to me and was bringing me into His kingdom, I would question Him: Why should I believe you? I have not known you. My parents’ generation has been Hindu: why would I leave that? If they find out, what am I going to tell them? I’m already in trouble; if I accept You, I’ll be in more trouble. But He was so humble and so gentle as He pled His side saying, “Ask and I will hear you. Ask and I will prove myself to you. Then will you believe me?” His humbleness, His closeness drew me to Him.
He knew my heart and He was filling it when I was reading the Bible. These words were really living, talking to me personally. As the Word spoke to me, my heart broke. God accepted me. I said to Him, “You see what I am going through. You know everything. You are the only one who recognized my wounds and my hurts. All this time I was screaming and no one but you heard my cry. You saw every tear.” The cleansing and healing He did of my wounds is amazing. He protected my children and me. Finally I said, “Yes, I see that you are the One. You died for me. You paid the price, and you have forgiven me.”
For almost a year I didn’t see that I might have faults because I was so focused on the hurts and pains inflicted on me by others. Slowly, one by one, He had me remember each person who had hurt me. He said, “Forgive them as I have forgiven you.” He asked me, “Can you take this much? Can you be nice to them?” Once I had forgiven, my heart was light and free.
Next, God brought into my focus my faults. He started to show me that in my heart I was not fair and I was selfish. I was prideful because I was good-looking, highly educated and professional. I always thought in my heart that I came from a better family than others. I looked down on the other ladies in my extended family. My offering of help was not in a humble way. God also let me see that my stand for truth was partial. I did not see that I could never state the complete truth. I was not able to see my mistakes, but I made their mistakes big. We all fall into lying and cheating, but my sin to me was not big; their sin was huge. I was comparing and judging, and who was I to judge? It also took me a long time to forgive them for hurting my children and me.
After I saw my own sinful heart and confessed my sin, the Lord said, “I want you to love your family as Christ loves them.” This has been a painful challenge. Instead of obeying, I ran left and right, left and right, praying to avoid family members. But He loves them, too. He wants me to be nice to them and teach them. It’s a big assignment and requires a daily walk in the Holy Spirit.
God is giving me little steps to take. He prepares my heart for each step. Yet, too often my flesh comes in and ruins everything. Now, however, with the Holy Spirit, I realize God’s conviction quickly and ask His forgiveness. He tells me, “You mean I have to teach you again instead of you being ready to teach others?”
I confess, “Oh, my Lord, forgive me, I have done it again.” I wonder how can I fail Him like this after God, in His love, has shown me so much goodness.
Since I came to Christ, the Lord has taught me to depend on Him. He says, “You’re going to have trouble when you go without me.” He’s been a loving father to me. With each step I take, He has proven His presence with me. He has shown how much He loves me. This love has grabbed my heart, my whole self. He got me.
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